You’ve been saying all week that you’re fed up with the new rota. Then a friend asks, “Is it the late shifts?” and you find yourself saying, “Actually, I like the late shifts. It’s never knowing which evening I can keep free.” The rota is exactly as it was five minutes ago. What’s changed is that you’ve found the part you want to explain.
That’s one possible benefit of talking to someone. Another is more ordinary: you get to tell somebody what happened today and hear what they make of it. That person might be a friend over coffee, a relative on the phone or somebody you choose through a listening service.
Saying it aloud can bring a different detail into focus
The NHS Every Mind Matters guide to talking about how you feel says that opening up can help you see things differently. One way to try it is to describe a particular moment. If the listener wasn’t there, you get to choose which details they need in order to picture it.
Take the rota example. Was it seeing your name against Saturday again? Or was it opening a message about a birthday meal and realising you couldn’t give your friend an answer? They lead to different conversations. You might want to ask about a shift swap. You might just miss being able to say yes to dinner without checking three calendars. There’s time to say both, or to stop at the part that matters to you.
What if you already know exactly what the problem is? You can tell the other person that too. “I know why it happened. Could I tell you about the bit afterwards?” gives them somewhere to start without spending the call trying to identify a cause you’ve already worked out.
What does the evidence say about feeling heard?
In five experiments involving 1,643 participants, researchers looked at what happened when people discussed past experiences of rejection, or pictured doing so. Participants reported less loneliness in that moment when the listener showed particular attention and understanding. The experiments included imagined scenarios as well as actual conversations. The findings concern feelings around a specific exchange. They don’t tell us how someone will feel the next morning or after a booked telephone call.
Imagine telling somebody that the photos from a group outing hurt because you hadn’t been invited. “Perhaps they thought you were busy” is a possible explanation, but it takes the conversation towards the people who organised it. “How did you find out they’d gone?” lets you finish the story as you experienced it. For more examples, read what non-judgemental listening sounds like.
You can ask for something specific
The NHS guide suggests telling the other person what kind of support you’d like. A small request gives them something they can answer. “Would you sit with me while I ring about Mum’s appointment?” is different from “Could I tell you why I’m putting off that phone call?” Both are reasonable. The person who can drive you to the appointment might be quite different from the one you’d choose to tell about it afterwards.
You can make a request partway through, too. If a friend starts listing things you could do, it’s fine to say, “Hang on to that idea. I’d like to finish what happened first.” Equally, if you were expecting just to have a moan and suddenly want their opinion, ask. You aren’t committed to the conversation you thought you were going to have when you rang.
Sometimes the benefit is the company itself
Think of a Saturday when the most interesting thing that happened was spotting a heron on the canal. You may simply want somebody to appreciate how long you stood there trying to photograph it, and to laugh with you about the picture of an empty branch you eventually got. Being able to tell the story is reason enough to ring. There’s no need to turn the heron into a conversation about loneliness.
If an older relative lives alone, try asking what they’d like to tell you before launching into your own list of questions about shopping, heating and appointments. For a conversation about the quieter parts of the week, our guide to loneliness in older people has a different starting point. If making the call itself is the awkward part, you might prefer the guide to feeling nervous about phone calls.
Is this the right conversation for today?
Ask yourself who has the thing you need. Only the rota manager can tell you when next month’s shifts will be published. Your friend might be exactly the person to hear how tired you are of waiting. If your feelings are affecting your day-to-day life, the NHS guide above includes ways to seek further support. A befriending call offers everyday conversation and cannot provide treatment or urgent help.
You can also change your mind about talking. If the kitchen is full and you’d have to whisper through the whole story, “Could we speak tomorrow when I can talk properly?” is a fair answer. If all you want today is ten minutes hearing somebody else’s news, say that instead.
Choosing someone and a time
For a paid call, check the length and price before deciding whether it suits you. Our page on paying for a befriending call explains the arrangement. At Let’s Just Talk OK, UK adults aged 18 and over choose a befriender, who rings from our office number at the booked time. You can have an ordinary chat about your week, leave a subject for another time or tell the heron story from the beginning.
If you’re looking for someone to talk to by phone, you can read what to expect from a booked listening call before you choose.
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