You ring your sister to talk about Sunday lunch. As soon as you mention Mum, she starts explaining why Mum said what she did. You spend the rest of the call defending everybody, including yourself. Someone who wasn’t at the table can ask a different first question. “What was Sunday like for you?”
That distance is one reason it can feel easier to speak to somebody you’ve only just met. If you’re thinking about venting to someone by phone, it’s worth working out what you want from that distance, and what you’d still prefer to keep to yourself.
They don’t have a stake in the outcome
A friend who knows both people in an argument may have another relationship to look after. Even a thoughtful friend might worry that listening to you will sound like taking sides. Someone outside the situation can take an interest in how it landed with you without having to decide whose turn it is to host Christmas.
There’s a trade-off. You may miss the shorthand you have with an old friend. “You know what his Tuesdays are like” means nothing to somebody who has never met him. You get to decide how much background they need. Often a single detail will do. “He works nights, so by teatime we’d barely seen each other all week.”
You can choose where your story begins
Talking to friends or family can be deeply comforting, but it is not always simple. You might worry about upsetting them, being misunderstood, seeming like a burden, or opening up a conversation you do not have the energy to continue. If the person is involved in the situation, you may also feel that you have to protect their feelings or explain yourself carefully.
There is also no need to perform. You can start with, “I’ve had a rubbish day,” and leave it there for a moment. You can cry, pause, go quiet, or change the subject. A good conversation does not require you to tell your whole life story.
With somebody new, you can tell just the bit about standing in the kitchen afterwards, wondering why one remark has stayed with you. You can say you aren’t ready to talk about the remark itself. If the listener asks a question that takes you further back than you wanted to go, try “The history is a much longer story. Can we stay with Sunday?”
A new parent, for instance, may have plenty of visitors asking about the baby and still miss a conversation about their own week. If that sounds familiar, there’s more on feeling lonely as a new mum. You can love the people around you and still choose a different listener for a particular subject.
What would you like the other person to do?
A listener can hear you out. They can’t rearrange the family lunch, settle a disagreement they didn’t witness or speak to your employer for you. If you’d like something practical, it may be easier to approach someone who can do that particular thing. Our guide to asking for help has examples of making a request specific.
It can help to begin a chat with a small intention. Perhaps you want to get something off your chest. Perhaps you want company while you process a change at work. Perhaps you want to say something you cannot say to people close to you. You do not need to solve the problem before the call ends. The intention simply gives the conversation a gentle shape.
You could say, “I don’t really know why I booked this, but I didn’t want to be alone with my thoughts.” Or: “I need to get something off my chest, and I’m not looking for advice.” Even, “Can you just stay with me while I talk this through?” is enough.
If you are worried about oversharing, begin broadly. Talk about the feeling before the details: stressed, lonely, disappointed, angry, numb, overwhelmed. Notice how the listener responds. You can always share more later, but you do not have to.
If their first response is advice, you can give them another steer. “I can see why you’d suggest ringing her. Could you let me finish what happened first?” Equally, you can ask them a direct question. “When I told you about the meal, which bit sounded like the part that bothered me?” Their answer is something to consider. You still know the people and the situation better than they do.
How much do you want to share?
For a conversation about work, “my manager” and “a colleague” usually say enough. The name on the office door, the customer’s address and the messages on your screen can stay private. You might be quite happy to talk about being overlooked in a meeting while choosing to leave out what the meeting was about.
A person outside your circle isn’t necessarily an anonymous listener. A booked service has contact details so it can arrange the call. Read what stays private on a befriending call before sharing something sensitive. On our service, calls are not recorded. Befrienders may make written notes. The confidentiality page explains their use and the limits around safeguarding.
If you find you’d rather talk to somebody familiar
Perhaps what you wanted was to remember your dad’s terrible jokes with someone who had actually heard them. A stranger can listen to the story, but your cousin might be the only person who remembers the punchline. An ordinary conversation can tell you something about whose company you miss. You can send that cousin a message later if you want to, without turning it into a big declaration.
It’s also fine to decide halfway through that you’d rather talk about something lighter. “That’s enough about Sunday. Have you ever tried cooking for eight in a kitchen the size of a cupboard?” gives you a way to keep chatting while leaving the argument there.
Before a first booked conversation
If it helps to know what the first minute might sound like, read what to talk about on your first call. A booked telephone conversation is one way of finding someone to talk to outside your usual circle. You choose your befriender and a time, and they ring you from the office number. For the details of that option, see venting to someone on the phone.
