Being a good listener starts with giving someone room to speak and taking their meaning seriously. You do not need a clever answer to every problem. You do need to notice when you are distracted, making assumptions or preparing your reply before they have finished.
This guide offers habits to try with a friend, relative or parent. The suggested phrases are examples, not stories from customers. Choose language that sounds natural to you, and remember that each person can prefer a different kind of conversation.
Check that now is a workable time
Someone might begin talking while you are working, cooking or about to leave. If you cannot pay attention, say so kindly and suggest a realistic alternative. “I have ten minutes now, or we can have a longer chat after dinner” gives them useful information.
If the subject sounds urgent, ask what they need rather than automatically postponing it. Ordinary listening has limits, and an emergency requires appropriate help. You do not have to handle a dangerous situation alone.
Ask what kind of conversation they want
Try “Would you like me to listen, help think through options, or do something practical?” You can ask this without making the exchange formal. It is a way to avoid responding to a request for company with a long list of instructions.
The answer can change. Someone may want to explain first and discuss possible next steps later. Check again if you are unsure, rather than treating the first answer as a rule for the whole conversation.
Put distractions within your control aside
You may not be able to create complete quiet, especially with work or caring responsibilities. You can still explain an interruption, silence avoidable notifications or move somewhere easier to hear.
On the phone, tell the person if you need to step away instead of leaving them wondering whether you are listening. If the connection drops or you miss a sentence, ask them to repeat it. Pretending you heard can create confusion later.
Do not judge listening by eye contact alone. People differ in how they concentrate and communicate. Ask about pace, volume or other adjustments rather than assuming one style works for everyone.
Let them finish the point
Notice whether you often complete sentences or jump in with your own example. Even a well-meant interruption can move attention away from the thing the speaker wanted to explain.
If you interrupt, make a small repair: “Sorry, I jumped ahead. What were you going to say?” Then leave enough room for the answer. You do not need to turn the apology into another long interruption.
A pause does not always need filling. You can check whether the person wants a moment or has finished. This matters on the phone, where you cannot see whether someone is thinking or looking for something.
Use questions to understand
Questions can invite detail, but they can also push someone towards your explanation. “What happened next?” leaves a different kind of space from “You should have refused, shouldn’t you?”
Samaritans’ listening tips include open questions and checking understanding. Our explanation of active listening explores these skills in more detail.
Ask about something the person has actually said. Avoid collecting personal details simply because you are curious. They can decline to answer, change the subject or keep part of an experience private.
When you do not know what to say
You can be honest: “I don’t know what to say, but I am listening.” Other possibilities are “What would you like me to understand?” or “Have I got that right?” A straightforward response is often more appropriate than searching for a reassuring slogan.
Be careful with “At least…” and “Everything happens for a reason.” You may intend comfort, but the other person may hear a reason to stop talking about what is difficult. Ask what the experience means to them instead.
You do not need to confirm facts you cannot know. You can acknowledge that someone felt hurt without declaring that another person definitely intended to hurt them.
Listen to the person beyond the problem
A parent, friend or neighbour may want ordinary conversation as well as support. Ask about interests and daily life without turning every exchange into a review of how they are coping.
For example, someone who is single and lonely may want to discuss a shared hobby rather than dating. Our guide on how to help someone who is lonely offers further ways to approach the conversation.
Check what you are assuming from a person’s circumstances. Living alone, being older or recently separating does not tell you exactly what kind of company they want.
Keep boundaries clear
You can care about someone and have limits on your time. Avoid promising that you will always answer immediately. If you agree another call, make the arrangement one you can usually keep.
Do not promise absolute secrecy if someone’s safety may be at risk. Where professional or emergency support is needed, help the person find the relevant service. Friendship does not make you responsible for providing every kind of care.
Try one habit at a time
After a conversation, consider one thing to practise: allowing an answer, checking your interpretation or asking before advice. Avoid rating the other person’s openness as evidence of how well you performed. They decide what they share.
If you would like to explore an arranged conversation for yourself, read about our listening service by phone. Let’s Just Talk OK offers ordinary befriending for adults aged 18 and over, with no promise of a particular emotional or health outcome. It is not therapy, counselling or crisis support.
If you need urgent help
If someone’s life is at risk, or you cannot keep yourself or someone else safe, call 999 or go to A&E. In England, for urgent mental-health help, call NHS 111 and select the mental-health option, or ask for an urgent GP appointment. See the NHS urgent-help guidance.
Samaritans offers free listening support, day or night, on 116 123. See Samaritans contact information and our urgent-help page. Do not wait for a booked befriending call in an emergency.
Sources checked: 3 November 2026. This is general information, not a medical assessment.
