Start with the part of the week you’d most like to change. If it’s Tuesday lunch, when you used to sit with a colleague, try asking one person whether they fancy a lunchtime call. If you miss being among people without having to talk much, an hour at the library might suit you better. The two choices answer different needs.
If you’re unsure what’s missing, read about the difference between social isolation and loneliness. Here, the starting question is practical: what would make it possible to see or hear from somebody you’d like to spend time with?
Make one invitation easy to answer
“We should get together sometime” can be sincerely meant on both sides and still come to nothing. Offer a time, an activity and an easy way to say no. “I’m taking the dog round the park at eleven on Saturday. Fancy coming for one lap?” The other person can picture what you mean, and you still have a plan if they’re busy.
If you haven’t spoken for ages, something you already share gives you an opening. “The café opposite the old office has finally taken down those Christmas lights. Made me think of you. How’s the new job?” A message like that can be the whole exchange. You can decide later whether to suggest a call or meeting.
If they don’t reply straight away, you won’t know why from the silence. It’s reasonable to try once more another day or to leave the invitation open and turn to somebody else. If you’re already tired of being the one who organises everything, choose an activity that will take place whether anyone answers your message or not.
Go somewhere you can do something with your hands
A room advertised as a social evening can feel like a lot to take on if you don’t know anybody. Compare it with a repair session where you have a lamp to ask about, a board game with a spare seat, or a library group discussing a book you’ve actually read. Having a reason to be there gives you a first sentence and something to do if the conversation pauses.
Ask the organiser one specific question before going. “Do people come on their own?” or “Could I sit and watch the first game?” may tell you more than a photograph of a smiling crowd. Check the cost, finish time and journey home. If the bus leaves at ten past the hour, you may need to leave halfway through a session. Knowing that beforehand gives you a choice.
A first visit might amount to finding the entrance, meeting the organiser and staying for twenty minutes. You can decide afterwards whether you’d like to go back. The NHS guide to getting help with loneliness includes ideas such as groups and volunteering, and suggests asking a GP about social prescribing where available. A link worker may be able to help you find local options.
When getting out is the difficult bit
Before signing up for anything, name the obstacle. Is the venue too far away? Is it painfully noisy? Are you caring for someone who cannot be left alone? Those are practical questions with different answers. “Could you tell me whether there’s a quieter session?” is a reasonable enquiry. So is asking if you can take part from home. If the answer is no, you’ve learned something about the arrangement before spending money or energy getting there.
At home, you could agree to watch the same programme as a friend and exchange messages during the adverts. Or each make lunch and ring for the ten minutes it takes to eat it. This can suit people on different shifts or with different energy levels. If a live call is difficult, a photo of what you’ve both cooked gives you something to reply to when you can. You can ask which form of contact works for the other person as well.
Try a repeatable arrangement
Think about something you do anyway: picking up the paper, walking to the shops, getting the bus to an appointment. Is there a chance to do one part of it with somebody else? You could meet a neighbour at the corner and walk the first few minutes together, even if you’re going to different places. The advantage is that neither of you has to organise a separate outing.
For a friend who lives far away, a regular time may suit you both, but ask before assuming. “Would the first Sunday of the month work?” gives them something concrete to consider. If you miss a week, you can pick it up with an ordinary message. There’s no need to spend the next call apologising for the last one.
If you’re helping someone else reconnect
Let the person choose what they’d enjoy. A suggestion to join a busy lunch club might miss the mark if what they really miss is one particular neighbour. Offering a lift, looking up an accessible route or helping them send a message may do more for that friendship than making a booking on their behalf.
Try making the offer small enough to decline comfortably. “I’m going to the shop. Do you fancy the company on the way, or shall I just pick up your paper?” gives them two genuine choices. If they say no to both, accept it. You can ask again another time without treating the answer as a judgement on either of you.
How will you know what’s worth repeating?
Afterwards, ask yourself which bit you’d choose again. Perhaps you liked the outing but found the room too loud. Perhaps the ten-minute call was exactly the right length. Perhaps you enjoyed seeing an old colleague but would rather meet her somewhere away from work. You can change the details before deciding whether the whole idea suits you.
For more about the feeling of disconnection, see our loneliness guide. If you’re interested in how surveys describe people’s experiences, our UK loneliness statistics guide is a separate starting point. A national figure can’t tell you how many calls or visits your week should contain.
If a change in mood is lasting or you’re struggling to cope, speak to your GP. If what you want is a booked, everyday conversation, UK adults aged 18 and over can also read about finding someone to talk to by phone.
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